Friday the enemy intended to land shock troops in Greenland. But this would-be invasion is fizzling into the greatest fiasco since hurricanes wholly sunk those Mongol fleets bent on invading and occupying Japan.

Here, as ever, the enemy. He is a fail. And for the ages.

Like the base chickenshit he always eternally is, the enemy intended to sneak in behind a woman, and some animals.

As it was initially announced Usha Futon, wife of Vladimir Futon, recently polled as the least popular vice president in the history of the US, would go alone to Greenland. There to look at some dogs.

But all and every human in Greenland—there are 56,583 of them—did not buy any such shit. As the enemy for months had been raving, like out of a Bavarian beer bunker, that he “must have,” and “one way or the other,” Greenland.

So. Not even a dog. Wanted any Futons.

Then the enemy camp announced administration oberfuhrers like Mike “Hey Baby Look At My Signal” Waltz and Chris “I Frack Like Ten Motherfuckers” Wright would accompany Mrs. Futon. There to the dogs. Until finally it was chundered that Futon himself, he would go there.

As the enemy went to the television to lie like eleventy-billion beelzebubs the invasion was because Greenlanders had asked to be absorbed into the fatherland. When in fact polls show that nearly 90% of the Greenlanders do not want to be United Statesed, and an only slightly smaller majority have sworn they would prefer to suffer from cholera, gonorrhea, and exploding bleeding string warts, all three at once, rather than pod up as magatting Americans.

Every government official alive and sentient in both Greenland and Denmark ululated they considered the enemy an invader who must be stopped. France and Germany vowed that if the enemy proved true in his threat to take Greenland militarily they would roll tanks until they rumbled into the White Power House itself, there to run right over the enemy’s face. Until it would be like he had never been born.

Enemy agents went door to door in the community of Nuuk seeking just one family who would agree to host the Usha. None would. The Greenland visitor bureau cancelled its invitation to host the Usha visit—offered originally only as if to any old wandering wino reeling in off the street—saying it didn’t want to be connected in any way with what was clearly obviously a malignant virulent maga infection seeking to consume all that is sane and decent.

As of this writing the enemy’s would be he-man invading testicles have receded right into his body, worse even than those of Barry Bonds. when he shot steroids, into all of his body, all day, and all of the night. As the arrival of the Futons and their dingleberries has shriveled but to the slight slice of Greenland which bears a US military base.

Which should be shuttered immediately. There is no reason Greenland and Denmark should permit the enemy upon their lands. Throw the enemy out. Sow the base with salt. Or deliver it unto somebody friendly. Like. Say. Canada.

So. Let it be written. So. Let it be done.