Happy Sickos de Mayo
Some of you may have noticed how quiet I've been these last couple of days.
I'm horribly depressed.
And it's an enormous struggle to write this, which I'm tackling out of love and respect for you people, whom I just gotten to know a little. (And perhaps break out of the cycle.)
What most don't know is that I'm usually horribly depressed and my only other state of being is hysterically goofy. Of course, this presents its own problems because I then give the impression of not being a serious person.
Depression (mine) arises from a lot of convergent factors, accumulations of opinions and observations leading to the conclusion that we're all well and truly fucked.
Maybe I'm actually too serious, and if I lightened up, I wouldn't agonize about the endless war that's been going on since I was a kid, or the almost inevitable certainty of civilization collapse.
But then civilization has been collapsing ever since the first psychopath invented religion.
Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have my final heart attack before that happens. Murphy's Law is inviolate though, so probably not.
At any rate, Cinco de Mayo is not Mexican Independence Day.
Cinco de Mayo (pronounced: [ˈsiŋko ðe ˈmaʝo]; Spanish for "May 5th", or literally, "Five of May" is a celebration held on May 5. The date is observed to commemorate the Mexican army's unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, under the leadership of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín.
It's ironic, even to me, that though I abhor war, I'd find a way to tie the day to a flash of twisted humor.
But there it is. It's who I am.
The flash arose during a conversation in which GreyWolf posted the pic below:
"So, you run for president, act the fool and lose, then launch another reality show, and also get kick-backs and favors from the Foundation forever ..."
"Sounds like a deal."
And the demons inside my head said, "Much too tame." Naturally, I don't expect GreyWolf has as tenuous a grasp on sanity as I do.
~~~~~~
These two are Motherfuckers of the First Order
Have a Black bean burrito, and don't forget to tip your server $15 on your way out.
Comments
The big picture is depressing
Try not to look at it too long. If I manage to take my own advice for my similar problems, I'll let you know.
What normal people don't realize is that the funniest comedians are the most depressed. We learn to be funny to cheer ourselves up - other people happen to be there, sometimes as props.
prog - weirdo | dog - woof
I took some insomnia pills earlier.
They take a while to work, so I went to sleep for a couple of hours. But, Man, they really work!
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Hang in there, AB
Depression is g.d. tough. I know about that.
Please try not to judge yourself.
The good fragments of reality are JUST as real as the bad and CAN come alive again for any of us who are going through a horrible patch.
Appreciate your posts and look forward to more of them. (BTW, looooooooove your avatar!)
Euterpe2
Happy Quarts de Mayo!
I hope you will be feeling better soon, AB. Please do not allow the outside world to bring you down. (((hugs)))
Do I hear the sound of guillotines being constructed?
“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." ~ President John F. Kennedy
Morning, AB, hang in there, mate. The Big D is a tough one.
Back in the army, we used to say that our situation always only had two descriptions: we went from SNAFU (Situation normal, all fucked up) to FUBAR (Fucked up beyond all recognition) and back.
Hang tight, mate,
Resilience: practical action to improve things we can control.
3D+: developing language for postmodern spirituality.
Sincere good wishes to you
I am hoping you'll be able to recover from your depression.
"The justness of individual land right is not justifiable to those to whom the land by right of first claim collectively belonged"
some good news!
All is not lost. We all ride the roller coaster of life. Some peoples lifetrack is higher and then lower than others. This morning is a good one for me because I'm buoyed by Bernie's win. When I feel low, I like to walk in the woods and soak in nature. Somehow it lifts my spirits. Here's hoping your spirits are lifting and you see the beauty of the day. I like Johnny Mercer's advice.
“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”
I've been feeling much the same, AB
And here in the NE, we've had rain for weeks, and I'm one of those people who function very poorly without sunlight. I don't know why I live here.
I've been struggling to just get through the days... sigh.
Hang in there, AB!
Hey dude...
I love your humor, don't ever lose that!
Hang in there brother, lean on us, talk to us, we're here to listen and pick each other up. That's what community is about. Sometimes you've just got to forget about the world and immerse yourself into something else.
Peace out, dude, I love your shop work.
Hey AB, from my own personal experience...
SRI (saratonin reabsorption inhibitors) work. These massive brains of ours (humans, not us personally, though I can't speak for you AB) are a recent accidental evolutionary phenomena, and the bugs are hardly worked out yet. But with massive amounts of thinking, it's not hard to exhaust the capacity of the neural interfaces to keep up with the traffic, and the synapses run out of neural transmitter - saratonin. The result is subtle malfunction - not so subtle if you're sitting in the cognitive box that the synaptic transmissions create. A small amount of inhibitor on the clean-up function can work wonders, allowing the neural patterns to resume un-choked. The results can be impressive in a fairly short time. In my case, the horrible, horrible dreams stopped, and have never returned. Sigh. It's good. Some good folks balk and taking something that might subtly effect thinking or personality, but my take on it, is when that thinking or personality is in acute agony, that is physiological affliction, and every bit as much as a wildly abscessed tooth or broken rib needs to be medically treated, so does synaptic transmission that is exhausted from over-use (over use in which we have no voluntary choice.)
Peace.
The spirit of party serves to enfeeble the Public Administration,
agitates with Jealousies and false alarms, and opens the door to corruption,
which finds access to the government itself through the channels of party passions.
George Washington
A caution, serotonin reuptake inhibitors work for SOME instances
of depression, yet there is evidence that they are not for everyone.
With some people, it's actually the cholinergic system that needs a boost. In addition, too much serotonin can cause serious problems...including depression. So if going the Rx route, it's important to see a really good specialist, if possible. Not a pill mill.
I don't know if Rx drugs help everyone, but they did me, in a bad spot more than a decade back. Needed two different drugs at once, lucky to find that out fairly quickly. After a year or so, able to go drug-free again. Psychotherapy -- even self-help -- was okay for mild depression, but not enough for that whammy.
Side note: I used to meditate regularly. Didn't help with depression. In fact, too much meditation brings on anxiety attacks, so have to limit it. Apparently a few of us are weird that way.
Euterpe2
Oh, I gotta talk to you more, euterpre. I meditated for more
than a decade. I taught weekly meditation classes, evenings, and some lunch time classes at work. As my ptsd got worse, I gradually couldn't meditate any more. The horrors in my mind took over the meditation session and eventually the sessions got shorter and I skipped days and then just quit altogether.
I read Jack Kornfield, a clinical phychologist and Buddhist meditator. He said that meditators had to stop when psychosis broke in, for it could not help with that. But I've been very sad at the loss of meditation, for it provided so much help when it did work.
The army puts us ptsd members on as much medication as possible to keep us functioning as long as possible, to get as much use out of us before they throw us on the scrapheap (medical retirement, eh). Since I got canned, my civvie MD has weaned me off of so many of the meds. I'm down to now weaning off of Effexor. My only remaining pills are a sleeping med (Trazodone) and a nightmare med (Nabilone, a faux-marijuana meds). It's been a helluva ride off of the friggin smartie box I was on, but I'm seeing daylight again. I hope to end up only with medical marijuana - self-prescribed, I have little trust left in modern medicine.
Could you please tell me more about how meditation can cause anxiety attacks? I was sad that it was ineffectual with my anxiety attacks. But I never thought of this possibility. I'd appreciate any guidance you have. Best wishes, my friend,
Resilience: practical action to improve things we can control.
3D+: developing language for postmodern spirituality.
I had been doing meditation,
Zen style basically, since the age of 13. Learned in sequence: counting breaths, following breaths, then stopping thoughts. Solved no koans. Later experimented with some other types. For periods in my life, meditated 20 minutes a day or even more; for other periods, dropped it. I was resuming in the 1990s (in a stressful time at work BTW) when I began having feelings of sheer terror during meditation. A physical sensation like falling. Contrary to all experience, would find myself mouthing the words, "Help, help, help!" And my eyes would pop open. Also excruciating thoughts...like remembering about historical atrocities, and feeling like life was unbearable if such things could be done. Insight meditation: the same. Well you know, the conventional advice is that such things are epiphenomena, just keep returning to the meditation, something else will come along and replace it. Only that didn't happen. It got worse and happened quicker each time. It wasn't helping me to feel more balanced during the day, and I dropped it.
Later, I lost my job and had a bout of serious depression; meditation didn't help there either. Drug therapy, friends and finding another job did.
Later was surprised to learn meditation has been negative for some others. Couple of references just pulled off the Web at random. Not endorsing everything in here, but to show we're not alone:
http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/06/17/dangers-of-meditation-list-of-po...
http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=350
I find meditation is okay in short session, like 10 minutes. The other thing is this...the years of meditation may continue ripening in the brain without conscious cultivation, like planted seeds. For example, I can stop thought quicker and more solidly that ever before, and do it often -- for maybe 1 minute or less! -- when my brain needs a break. This isn't Enightenment, whatever that may be, but can be useful.
(Have decided to leave Enlightenment to others in this lifetime, along with Salvation.
)
Euterpe2
Thanks very much for this, Euterpe2. I will follow the links.
Have a great day, my friend,
Resilience: practical action to improve things we can control.
3D+: developing language for postmodern spirituality.
That is strange to hear, Euterpe...
I would have thought meditation was good for everyone. I know its great for me - WHEN I DO IT. Sheesh. Just like yoga. If I just did those two things, I'd be great... but of course, I don't. And the more I need them, the less I do them.
But luckily for me, whenever I do meditate regularly, after the first few days of retraining, its always been a net positive for me. In fact, I think I really should make myself start again. I have to say, I had the most positive result - in my overall mood and equanimity - when I participated in a mindfulness meditation class and then continued that practice for a time.
Do all types of meditation have the same effect for you? because there are so many different types.
I thought it was pretty strange too
until I found stuff on the Web that indicates this is not unique. People vary, I think, in the structure and function of our brains as much as our external appearance, if not more. Starting age 13, I have done several kinds on meditation, from Zen style training to insight and moving meditation. Possibly by meditating too much, I get too much serotonin in the brain, that's one idea. Very short sessions are fine, like 10 minutes.
Euterpe2
they say that isolation
is a main cause of depression. For anybody intelligent, educated, thoughtful and compassionate and aware, it's hard not to feel isolated! It's depressing to see the truth that others don't seem to.
I don't really agree completely with that analysis though--I think it might have cause and effect mixed up a little. In any case though, it does feel better to get out and talk with like-minded people. I had a long talk the other day with a young liberal who admired my bumper sticker in the parking lot where I'd stopped for lunch. That conversation cheered me up for days. It made me realize how isolated I've been (due to long illness).
I have a theory about depression. I think that very often it's due to underlying illness. Chronic pain for example. Undiagnosed infection. Artery-clogging diet. Fatigue of unknown cause. Mineral imbalances. Metabolism problems. I believe (though IANA medical expert) that if you could carefully untangle the myriad processes in each individual, you'd find a physiological factor that could be corrected and put the person into a more normal state.
I imagine a Star Trek-like medical future where you lie on a couch, Dr. Crusher passes a device over you, finds your neurotransmitters are off and injects you with a hypospray that corrects it. Or alternatively scans you and determines an alien life-form is lodged in your cortex. In any case, there are causes to things. Back here in the 21st century, we mostly don't seem to know what's wrong with people.
Sometimes, sillia, I think its just seeing reality
I wonder if it would be even normal not to get depressed when seeing the world as it is.
Although, I imagine some sense of community is probably helpful, and community IRL would probably make a difference.
I think creativity, creating things is the best medicine, for me anyway, but when I'm depressed I'm not creative and don't want to do anything. Vicious circle...
Yes, that's what I meant
if you are intelligent enough and well read enough to know what's really going on (climate change, groan), how could you NOT be depressed?
I guess the key is getting well enough that you can do creative things that are fulfilling. During the worst of my illness, I took up crochet which at least made me feel that I was doing something. I could share the results with people which was fun. Now that my strength is better, I'm starting to get back into gardening, which is the thing that truly gives me a thrill. ANd the thing about that is, if you are down for a while you STILL have to get out and water or weed, and the necessity of that galvanizes you a bit. It does me, anyway. If I improve even more, I might be able to do professional work again which I would love. We'll see.
Gardening and being out in nature is a biggie for me too
Another reason why this endless rain we're having is killing me. Trapped in the house, I work from home, and its great but can be very isolating. And its also hard to make myself get work done when I'm in one of my down cycles - because no one is there to MAKE me.
Hence my too-often presence here at C99 during the workday lately.
Depression is a disease
I will only write the word with a capital D : Depression.
Have studied for a long time, because of the genetic tendency in my birth family, and now believe there is a genetic component. But that's not enough. What others have already written, the zeitgeist makes it difficult for even those who don't suffer from Depression to sometimes survive, day to day.
Many years ago, William Styron wrote an article for Vanity Fair Magazine about his own experience with Depression. The response was so phenomenal, he then wrote a book: Darkness Visible. For years, when a friend would "pooh, pooh" my saying I had Depression ( "no, you're too strong, too happy, too something") I wouldn't try to explain, I'd just give the person a copy of Styron's book.
There is ( was, due to death) a street in Martha's Vineyard which had the nickname "Depression Row" and the residents were: William Styron, Art Buchwald, Walter Cronkite ( his daughter) and Mike Wallace. Each spoke openly about helping each other.
Senator Pete Dominici and Tipper Gore both worked together for years to give parity to mental illness in health insurance. Colin Powell spoke of his wife's Depression, and said "She takes medication for Depression, the same another person takes medication for diabetes, or high blood pressure."
Still, for some, there's a stigma. I just ignore a person who believes that.
Finally - medication. YES. YES. YES. I take an SSRI, as I take thyroid medication, and my daily asthma medication, and give thanks for having each one.
Make sure you get what ever help you need. PLEASE. PLEASE. And, be gentle with yourself, as you would be with a dear friend who was experiencing what you are experiencing now.
yes, low thyroid is part of it
at least for my husband, treating this has helped the depression. It also helps him to watch his sleep quality and address that as needed. There are lots of nonpharmaceuticals that help sleep, it takes some experimenting. Again, this is part of the seratonin issue.
Unfortunately he can't tolerate the SSRI's that are such a help to so many people. We are now treating him for MTHFR and related methylation/metabolism malfunctions. So far this seems promising, some symptoms improved and depression symptoms better until late afternoon each day, so we will keep working on this.
This is very intriguing, sillia. Lovie goes through major D
session every few years. Last time around, it "coincided" with our family doctor placing her on thyroid meds for low energy and as the meds kicked in, the depression also lifted. She has stayed on the thyroid meds and the depression hasn't returned and her energy level is now at the average level of us in our early fifties. My depression experiences only began with the ptsd, but I sure don't want it to cycle in and out forever.
could you speak more about the depression-thyroid link? I would like to learn more and I'm sure it would help others too.
Resilience: practical action to improve things we can control.
3D+: developing language for postmodern spirituality.
just anecdotal
from hubby's experience with thyroid treatment, and anecdotes I've heard from others (like your L.). I'd be reluctant to recommend it across the board for anyone, I do think it's very individual. But thyroid levels can be tested as something to look into. Keep in mind that doctors seem to undertreat thyroid, there's quite a bit of controversy about this.
Taking it back a step further, thyroid is just one aspect of a person's metabolism. What else is involved? Or could be involved? These are intriguing questions but the answers are likely to be very complex, subtle.
That's about all I got! For now, anyway.
Thanks, sillia, and regards also to hubby. I'll read up more on
this and ask around. Enjoy your day, my friend,
Resilience: practical action to improve things we can control.
3D+: developing language for postmodern spirituality.
I've often wondered about the thyroid connection
I have all the symptoms, but I'm right at the borderline of the low end, so they don't treat me. I've often wondered if it would make a difference - I sense that it would, but I of course, have no medical training but plenty of opinions on medicines.
There is controversy about this.
If you were diagnosed with definite hypothyroid, doctors would likely treat until your TSH was down to 1.0. But if you tested borderline okay, like 3.5, they wouldn't treat you. So why is 1 appropriate in the first case but not the second? Shouldn't it depend on your symptoms? That is what happened to my husband. He tested borderline okay but had symptoms but couldn't get treatment...when his test levels went up enough to call it hypothyroid, he finally got treatment to bring the level down to below what it had been before, which helped those symptoms. Doctors are treating test results and not patients, grr.
I don't mean to imply that thyroid med is always the right thing, though. I had low thyroid symptoms which eventually turned out to be something else. So, I don't know, it's a tricky, delicate thing.
Hey
You ever need someone to talk to, message me.
"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott
SNDRI
For me. Getting the dopamine to stay in my brain longer has started to turn the tables on what has been a very, very bad problem since high school. I have days now where I don't think at all about suicide and even get enjoyment out of doing things like reading and leatherwork again.
The pills and the cats are all that keep me from the abyss.
The more people I meet, the more I love my cats.
SNDRIs saved me too
People don't give norepinephrine or dopamine enough credit.
prog - weirdo | dog - woof
The cats, for sure!
Until they all pass over the bridge, I have to stick around for their sake. There have been times they were solely responsibly for keeping me here.
Now I'm mostly ok - I mean, not suicidal, just down, unmotivated to do the things I must do.
I have never been able to stay on the pills though. Not sure why, its just a thing with me.
Hello haikukitty, I am so glad you are not thinking of that any
more. I was terrified when suicide came to call. I had done my share of suicide interventions after training for it in the military and was horrified that it could invade me as well. I struggle with it until last year. I was fortunate to have good therapists and a wonderful psychiatrist, who helped pull me through. It is a nasty, nasty virus. (It really does have virus-like features, as isolated communities, like First Nations ones such as Attiwapaskat, have found out.)
Here are the lyrics of a song I wrote about suicide. (One day I'll be brave enough to sing it in public :=)
It's a folk ballad in Am called, The Frenemy.
Maybe it speaks a bit to some of us who struggle with suicide.
It sure would speak a bit louder if I would just sing it in public. Sigh.
Resilience: practical action to improve things we can control.
3D+: developing language for postmodern spirituality.
Thanks for sharing that, Gerrit
I'm right with you - I'll never sing anything in public - god forbid! But I hope YOU get the courage to do it someday. Knocking on doors canvassing was really the limit of my ability to speak or draw attention in public.
Yes, things are much better than they used to be. Hopefully, they'll stay that way - I work to make that happen as much as I can. It seems strange too, to be so effected by weather these days. Its REALLY noticeable. Winter is always a nightmare, I just kind of shut down. I could never live in Seattle, as lovely as it is. I really need to move to the desert - 300+ days of sunshine a year....
Right on, hk, we just keep on hanging in there. I'm with you
on west coast weather. We lived on Vancouver Island for 4 years. Summers are gorgeous - clear, sunny days on end. Winter is something else. It rains in that dog-awful, English, cold, dreary way - days and months on end. The natives love it and good for them. I was glad to be at sea for most of it :=) Sadly, climate change is bringing some of that cold wetness here in the eastern winters now too. We've had a dreary, west-coast-ish week and I'm real sick of it!
Resilience: practical action to improve things we can control.
3D+: developing language for postmodern spirituality.
Could been worse
In Ketchikan, AK, it rains 400 days a year.
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Could have been worse. Could have been raining....
I was going to say, but then. Oh yeah. Its fucking raining and has been for two weeks.
Cheer Up, Kittycat
Think... "I will survive" ???Donna Summer??? I'm terrible with celebrity names.
Bernie's got our backs. We have each other. And (hopefully) I have a project.
If we can put it together, the Chateau will host the WI-1 delegation to the convention.
And if you haven't poked all around the thread yet, I left you all a special cartoon.
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Yes
The cats are the main reason I stick around. They depend on me. Besides, they'd just eat my body. Eeeww. Not going to let that happen!
The more people I meet, the more I love my cats.
Hang in there
AB. I'm not a medical professional of any kind. That said, good herb(weed) and regular cardio exercise help me with the problems you're experiencing.
Good luck. I hope you feel better.
NAMI
Check out the resources available from NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) at www.nami.org
"Please clap." -- Jeb Bush
I'm overwhelmed, friends.
Thank you all for your support. I'm not critical, so "KEEP CALM & PASS THE COOKIES"
Even though I Thumbed all your generous comments, these thumbs are for you.
The shitty weather is/was getting on my nerves. I'd worked up the energy to start prepping my boat for some sailing and the near-constant rain these last few days has had me trapped here against my indomitable will. I'd be a perfect candidate for a trip to Mars. "Eight months in a phone booth? Yea, I could do that."
And then the "commas" joke got taken seriously, and I had a sort of panic attack*. "Oh fuck. Maybe I'm totally losing it. Or maybe I'm just being too obnoxious."
*Q: How do you know when a sloth is having a panic attack?
A: It moves two feet per day instead of one foot per day.
Warning: Sick Joke Ahead
I called in sick one day.
The boss didn't believe me.
He asked, "How sick are you?"
I said, "I'm in bed with my sister."
Oh... and for those of you who've turned the comments into a meeting of the American Pharmacists Association, I do appreciate your thoughts and input. I'm reluctant to follow up on any of it though because I'm already taking a bucket load of meds now twice-a-day and Ceiling Cat only knows what the reactions might be.
Love,
AB
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All right, AB, good stuff mate. We're all in this together, eh.
Resilience: practical action to improve things we can control.
3D+: developing language for postmodern spirituality.
Hope you get happy soon AB
I'm kind of a manic depressive myself so's Shah. He always says the good thing about hitting bottom is that you know your going up soon. We don't do Px drugs but I tend to self medicate with wine and Shah's a stoic about it.
Seems to me that our society is mentally ill. Science man and Dr. Roberts are making a fortune on the state of the union.
All the timeless human conditions in the mind and spirit are now diseases with acronyms I seem to have them all ACA, OC, you name the syndrome I'm sure I have it. The two things I do to help is walk 2 miles a day and garden in Cindy's gym as well as staying away from sugar and refined carbs. So there is my non pharmaceutical two cents.
I'm depressed right now too and my senile vocal shill cat is also bummed out and won't shut up. I can not think strait or concentrate with her caterwauling away in the background. I got real close to her big mouth and yelled Buck Up! that worked for about ten minutes.
I prefer being depressed over having a panic attack. I used to have them regularly. I went to a Chinese doctor, acupuncturist and herbalist and she really helped. I can now spot them coming and do the breathing relaxing exercises, needle less acupuncture, and tapping into the river that flows through you and out the bottom of your feet into the universe getting smaller and smaller. Just typing that calmed me right down. Maybe I'll try it on the cat.
Hope you feel better soon. I like the comma's joke and use I use them regularly even though they tend to set off panic attacks. You have cheered me up often here so Buck Up! and get happy.
Here's some Brit wankers singing about getting happy that will make your condition worse. I call them wankers cause we saw them at the Santa Monica civic with the Cramps and all the punkers shouted 'get off the stage you wankers.'