Some good news

So the other day there was a big meta post that ended for me with a smack in the face from JtC for voicing my observations about something that doesn’t matter anymore. Ironically, just a few hours later what I thought was a minor sinus infection suddenly escalated into a near death experience. My airway closed and my husband had to call 911. I nearly died in our driveway. But the ambulance arrived in time and carted me off to the hospital emergency room. There they managed to save me and then some diagnostics revealed a very large mass sitting in the middle of my chest and throat; which had narrowed my airway down to a tiny thin tube at one spot. I was airlifted via helicopter to a specialty hospital in Chandler, Az. The next day they performed an emergency tracheostomy to preserve my airway, and took a biopsy of the mass.

I was very lucky to avoid being put on a ventilator. So I’m now still in the hospital awaiting results of the biopsy and then a treatment plan which, with any luck, will allow them to remove this thing from my chest and eventually get the trach out and get my actual voice back. I hope.

I’m finally well enough for the moment to go back and read the rest of that thread. But none of it matters now. A big bunch of silliness. I might die in here. And how ironic is it, that I finally got my COVID shot so I could stop fearing this exact scenario. And yet here I am and it has nothing to do with Covid. Let this be a lesson in how there really is just no control over anything. Shit happens.

Anyway this is good news for those of you who have wished to silence me here, because you have won. I truly do not care to fight or even argue about bullshit political games now. I’m so done.

I don’t know if or when I’ll be back, but I didn’t want to disappear with the impression that I left cuz of how I was treated here. I’m still a fighter, but I have a new fight ahead of me now. I will be around if and as I am able, but not like before.

I wish you all well. Take care and remember to love the people you love with everything you’ve got, every day. Things can change so fast.

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Comments

joe shikspack's picture

i'm terribly sorry to hear that you're having health problems, i hope that everything works out well and that you're back to a happy normal soon.

i'd be delighted to see you back here posting when you feel up to it. please take care!

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21 users have voted.
CS in AZ's picture

@joe shikspack

I genuinely appreciate your kind words. This site has been a real treasure to me these past few years. Your work is amazing and important. Take care and be well.

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16 users have voted.
janis b's picture

I’m glad that you had the care and attention you needed in time. I hope the growth is benign and able to be removed safely.

Your advice to love with all you’ve got everyday is the best healing advice I can imagine.

Don’t let the shockingly toxic, ego driven energy in that essay influence you in anyway, except to feel even more resolved in your aspirations.

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22 users have voted.
CS in AZ's picture

@janis b

for your kind and wise words. You have always been a gentle and loving presence here which I have greatly appreciated.

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12 users have voted.
vtcc73's picture

Life has often had a way of jerking a knot in my tail when I get too wrapped up in stuff that really doesn't or thinking life has it in for me. It can always be worse with absolutely no warning. A mass closing ones airway is a shockingly terrible way to receive a laser focused change in perspective. I can only imagine.

I wish you well and hope to hear better news from you soon. You know where to find us if you need anything.

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16 users have voted.

"Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now..."

CS in AZ's picture

@vtcc73

Miracle stuff when used correctly. Not sure how I’d have made it through without it. And nurses are just the most amazing people. If I make it through this I might become a health care person in some capacity. Not a nurse, too much work at my age, but the work of every support person here is life affirming in a fundamental way. Work that matters in a way it’s hard to describe. I’ve always hated medical stuff and feared doctors and hospitals to my bones. Now I would be dead without them and all this modern technology too. A new perspective indeed.

Thanks for all of your great contributions here, which I’ve always appreciated.

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17 users have voted.
vtcc73's picture

@CS in AZ “That I may serve”. I’d love to be able to say that I’ve always served others and done great things but that would not be true. I’ve found that it’s the small things we do for and with each other that makes the most difference in our lives. I find it impossible to feel down or sorry for myself when I’m being of service to someone else. Whatever you are able to do for others after you get through this scary chapter in your life will be exactly what they and you need. I truly feel there is no greater thing we can do than serve others. The reward is having been given this life to do for others. There will be something for you to do when you get back your health. Take care CS.

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14 users have voted.

"Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now..."

thanatokephaloides's picture

I might die in here. And how ironic is it, that I finally got my COVID shot so I could stop fearing this exact scenario. And yet here I am and it has nothing to do with Covid. Let this be a lesson in how there really is just no control over anything. Shit happens.

Control is an illusion!

There just are a certain number of cosmic turds flying around out there, and everyone is bound to get a few here and there. I'm sorry you caught this one.

I second my fellow c99ers' sentiments as expressed above in this thread. Please do not leave us; your opinions and wise counsel are valued here.

And I can testify personally how valuable c99 can be during a convalescence! Wink

As for the posters who don't live up to this high standard, nil illegitimis carborundum (don't let the bastards grind you down).

All my Best,
Sean

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19 users have voted.

"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar

"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides

CS in AZ's picture

@thanatokephaloides

I know you have seen more than your share of health challenges. Always good to see you around with your unique point of view. Be well my friend.

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15 users have voted.
janis b's picture

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10 users have voted.

hope you get better soon.

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15 users have voted.
CS in AZ's picture

@JtC

It’s never my intention to annoy you by the way. I’m sorry for all the times I have done so. You’ve created something special here and deserve major kudos for all you do. Take care and be well.

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18 users have voted.

Live on.

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11 users have voted.

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981

usefewersyllables's picture

@on the cusp

Stuff like that can really get your attention. Be well, heal quickly..,

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11 users have voted.

Twice bitten, permanently shy.

studentofearth's picture

the results are miraculous. Heath care practitioners being allowed to practice the art of healing using their full skills and adaptability to individual patients medical situation with the tools available. I hope this acute episode continues to go well for you and are joining us soon as we stumble our way into the future.

My own frustration (can not speak for others) is seeing so many actions creating difficulties this past year, instead of cooperation in addressing a common challenge. It only adds more tension when so many are experiencing life changing events.

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19 users have voted.

Still yourself, deep water can absorb many disturbances with minimal reaction.
--When the opening appears release yourself.

I'm glad you were able to get emergency services and that they got you to the hospital in time. Sorry this happened to you. I hope your diagnosis is benign and your recovery is swift.

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16 users have voted.

Don' want to lose you.

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13 users have voted.
Lookout's picture

Sorry for your current health challenge. I think you are wise to let go of any tension and value those you love. As I often suggest, treasure every day.

Get well and I hope you'll drop in and let us know how you're doing.

All the best to you and yours!

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11 users have voted.

“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”

Dawn's Meta's picture

That you are sharing your concerns and good wishes with this community when you are in a most compromised situation says a lot about your love for this place and your deep consideration for others.

I was crying as I came into the house from the chair at the edge of our little river and mixed woodland. I am reading Suzanne Simard's book 'Finding the Mother Tree'. The chapter which brought so many emotions to the surface was her early experiments with Monsanto's Glyphosate on mixed forest plots. The Canadian timber companies' theory that if they destroyed every living competitor to a desired plantation tree stand, the young trees would grow unencumbered by any other plant or tree species. She believed as did other foresters that it was exactly wrong-headed, but they had to have 'controlled' experiments using the methods they rejected from years of observing forests, clear cuts and replanting.

Her reactions to what she saw as a result of her own work plus exposure to Glyphosate, had me untethered. I fished in Canadian Pacific waters from 1975 for fifteen years. So I know many of the areas, watersheds, rivers, towns of BC she mentions and was there when all this desecration was going on. My heart hurts.

Then I come in and read your story. Somehow, it's all mixed together. I want nothing more today, than for you to get better, and for the rest of us to live in a less toxic world: physical and emotional.

You take care and somehow listen to forest bird song, watch videos about nature, and if you can get some good stuff to smell. Scents are healing.

Thank you for all you are doing.

ETA: [video:https://youtu.be/NK2_bcQcoD4] A three hour Nightingale song for you. We now are hearing one every night.

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11 users have voted.

A society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they know they shall never sit. Allegedly Greek, but more possibly fairly modern quote.

Consider helping by donating using the button in the upper left hand corner. Thank you.

The good news is that you were well enough to reach out and write to us here.
Like everybody who has weighed in, I hope you continue to get through this frightening serious health event and back on your feet as soon as possible.

Yes, our quibbles seem tiny when we back up and look at the entire picture.

Come back and fight your corner. We do not all have to agree. Hugs and kisses

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12 users have voted.

NYCVG

Granma's picture

I wish you healing, recovery, and future joys. Thank you for letting us hear from you.

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11 users have voted.
wendy davis's picture

Walk in Beauty.

Beauty before
Beauty behind
Beauty above
Beauty below...
Beauty all around

Walk in beauty

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9 users have voted.

My husband and I had a friend who went through over 35 years of medical hell with his kidneys because of not finishing a course of antibiotics for strep throat.

One time when we were visiting he said to me, "you know, anything can happen to anyone at any time." That has stuck with me. By the way, he managed to live long enough to have children, see them grow up and get married, and that was mostly due to his daily intake of pot that he grew in his basement.

I expect you to not only get well, but write again on this site! Not expect.... demand!

I won't be praying for you. Hee hee....

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15 users have voted.

"Without the right to offend, freedom of speech does not exist." Taslima Nasrin

CS in AZ's picture

@Fishtroller 02

I greatly appreciate your friendship over these many years! And I greatly appreciate you not praying for me!! LOL.

The first hospital I was taken to was St. Joseph’s. A catholic hospital. Someone there did come by in the ICU and offered to pray for me. I just shook my head no. I didn’t say “tell god to fuck off for doing this to me in the first place!” But I couldn’t help thinking how dumb it would be to pray to “him” to change his “mind” about my health. I am alive today because of SCIENCE, and if I survive this it will be only because of science. And my great luck to have access to the miracles of science.

Haha, thanks for making me smile today!

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14 users have voted.

Best wishes and hope for a rapid recovery.

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4 users have voted.
JekyllnHyde's picture

Your health must take priority but I hope you start posting again as soon as your condition improves.

Good luck.

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6 users have voted.

A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma

I am so sad to hear about your health problems. You are one of the reasons I came here as long as I did. Your voice is an incredibly valuable one. We all need to hear voices like yours, whether it is here or somewhere else.

I hope the strength you have been using to push back against uncaring lies will help you in this situation.

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7 users have voted.
earthling1's picture

Will miss your point of view here.

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3 users have voted.

Neither Russia nor China is our enemy.
Neither Iran nor Venezuela are threatening America.
Cuba is a dead horse, stop beating it.

mimi's picture

including other essays which has been mentioned or touched and I admit that I have not realized any of the possible tensions that are indicated here. All I have understood is that you have been and/or are very sick. I wish and hope you recover and get back the strength you need to continue writing.

I remember vaguely (sorry it being only vaguely) that you once mentioned in a comment that a certain point I made can't stand on its own feet so to speak. It made me think
a bit and I came to the conclusion that you were right.

Please heal and recover and if you do, come back from time to time to see if we all behave. Wink

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3 users have voted.
enhydra lutris's picture

Do get well, asap, and do continue on here. I'm pretty sure that nobody wants to silence you or drive you off, regardless of how things sometimes appear. Get well, hang in there, and stay here.

have a good one and good luck and energy.

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4 users have voted.

That, in its essence, is fascism--ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or by any other controlling private power. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt --