I'm in therapy. It's a great feeling to finally be getting better.

However, there's something I'm finding out that really bugging me. For those who don't know, I'm an Iraq war veteran. I served with the 3d ACR in Iraq during their 07-09 deployment. Which means that I was present during what was later called "The worst of the Sectarian Violence", however you want to make a euphemism of that.

The thing that I find is that while I would occasionally have symptoms of mental illness, what is most horrible is the things I didn't see. The little niggling things that affect your daily life but you don't acknowledge. What I've come to think of as "Stealth PTSD" because it flies under your awareness, but is still just as effective in ruining your life.

So, here's the little symptoms I suffered that I'm finally getting help for. Keep in mind I'm also diagnosed as a hypo-mania/Atypical depression Bipolar, so some of this may apply to my other diagnosis as well as PTSD.

1. Trigger Avoidance.

This may not seem like a bad thing. After all, if there's things that cause you to go into a full blown flashback, it would make sense to avoid them. However, when avoiding your triggers, if it gets into a situation where it totally interferes with your daily life, there's a major problem. Like for example, the fact I haven't willingly gone outside during the night for four years.

Yes, you read that right. Four years. Didn't even think about it, until I started medication and therapy. Haven't been to a major crowd event in four years. Crowds make me jumpy, so even going to an award ceremony for my daughter makes me nervous.

What's worse is that I didn't see myself as consciously avoiding those things. I'd make excuses, avoid them, claim I didn't have time, anything. I had OBVIOUS triggers that I knew and was avoiding, but also talking about. It's the little subtle triggers I was also avoiding but wasn't aware I was doing it. It totally interfered with my life, but I didn't do anything about it.

2. Self-Care.

I hadn't bought a pair of shoes in over 2 years when I looked at my feet and noticed they were bleeding. This was after the medication had kicked in. I was in actual pain. I hadn't done my laundry in months. I wasn't taking care of myself. I was so totally focused on trying to get little things done, like pay rent, get kids to school, make sure kids eat, etc... that I was totally neglecting myself. I'd push it to the back of my mind, just like I used to do during the war.

I'd focus on tasks, environment, anything else. It was an ingrained habit. And then, one day, I looked at my feet.

It sneaks up on you. A day here, a day there, and soon, you're looking like the crazy veteran stereotype that people associate with PTSD. Not because you aren't aware that you're sick, but rather, because you're so focused on the little tasks that are vital that you ignore everything else. Army training, ported to civilian life, and taken in as a behavioral tag.

3. Self-medication.

I was functionally an alcoholic for about 2 years after I got back.

Every other night, I'd drink a six pack of beer. I'd claim that was normal, and I'd see plenty of other soldiers doing it, so I figured, hey! No problem.

Every other night.

Once again, it didn't interfere with my life. I was getting shit done. I was paying the rent. I was fine. I wasn't the problem. And then I went to the VA and they told me I had "Fatty Blood" and needed to cut down on my alcohol intake or I'd kill my liver.

That finally got through to me. I still drink, but MUCH less. I didn't need to go to a twelve step program, I needed to cut down on my drinking. I needed to understand why I was doing what I was doing.

Before I found a medication that worked, I used Medical Marijuana. I'd honestly still prefer to be on that for some of the worst symptoms. However, the fact that I had to use it for my panic attacks was a stopgap measure. I really needed to find out what the final cause of my problems was, and is, not self-medicate it away.

Those are just the symptoms I noticed However, I'm sure there's a ton more that people experience that just fly under the radar. The problem is that the Army doesn't prepare you for not seeing the symptoms. They will tell you to be aware of the heavy and obvious ones, but when you deal with those, it's the little ones that will sneak up on you and ruin your life.

All I can say is thank you to my family for getting me to the help I needed. Thank you to my incredible counselor who didn't judge me for being who I am, what I believe, and who I have had sex with.

It's still too little too late, and I know that for every veteran like me who has family and advocates to help out, there's hundreds who don't. It's the people who think they're fine who might be the worst off

(A Sad post note to this was my family and the local therapists gave up on me after ten months. It dropped me right back down to nearly zero until I got to Portland and REALLY started over. Overall, having the run pulled out from under you can hurt almost as bad as the trauma. Just glad to be where I am and doing what I am today. Just one damn day at a time.)

(One OTHER little note: Medical Marijuana HELPS more than psychiatric meds. When I wrote this I was forwarding all of my diaries to my therapist, to show how I was getting better. The Self Censorship at TOP really shows in this one, IMHO.)