@studentofearth on prior diaries you have mentioned a wife and in-laws who care about you. Not having a job is not at this time is not a threat to being homeless or without food. Physical stamina limits many offered to disabled, high tech is a favorite target for HB1 visas and automation is on the way for many entry and professional jobs. Student loans are easy to get and hard to pay off.

If it was in the past 12 years these relationships occurred, the path you were on may not have resulted in a job but maybe meeting people who are now in your life.

Maybe this article When a Dream Dies How to Process the Grief No On Talks About helps. No easy answers, since everyone walks their own path.

does not rely on an external opinion or job. You have value simply being you. Other values can be experienced through your interaction with other people, nature and the earth. Unfortunately a job has a greater illusion of an value in our current society vs any other activity.

Easy to say, hard to actually achieve, but most of us will spend our lives trying to earn approval from others instead of ourselves.

So it's because of this crap that I find it near impossible to find joy in anything at all. Sure, the stuff I'm dealing with even without that doesn't help, but the stress of 'making something of oneself' just adds to it.

So what do I do now?

Many of our greatest critics gain their sense of self worth by belittling others and are not able to generate a sense of value themselves.

Start looking for joyful moments each day. It isn't to mask the pain and despair we occasionally feel, simply stepping stones to move away from it and and not get stuck in that place.

I am sorry the writing is not as complete tonight as you need, but it has been along few days and my mind is not composing quickly.

Your voicing the same words my sister said for decades - "I have no value because I am unemployable." Individuals with Asperger's can be difficult employees. Started and ran multiple companies to provide employment for her. The self value was temporary because she was trying to get it from a job and others, not herself. It took a long time, a life threatening illness and a couple of really close calls for her to realize just living life can be joyful and loving. Part of the process is deciding what what you focus on each day, why it sucks or what parts are joyful and loving. Hope you can achieve a content life without as much hardship.

PS. Jobs and training for jobs make money for other people and companies. If you are lucky there may be enough money to live on, but don't count on it.

@eyo

There were a couple of really sharply critical stanzas in "This Land Is Your Land", that hardly anyone knows or sings any longer. This one in particular:

In the squares of the city - In the shadow of the steeple
Near the relief office - I see my people
And some are grumblin' and some are wonderin'
If this land's still made for you and me

Who dares to tell truth to power like that nowadays?

Would you like "quick and painless" or "slow and horrible"? LOL I'll take quick and painless please, this chronic slow and horrible is no fun, no fun at all. wah

I love how you keep tearing new assholes in your essays on college and employment search, they are so blunt and truthful, it hurts. This is end-stage capitalism. We, the disabled are fucked, "next".

My problem is I just talked to Magenta and Ray yesterday (poor homeless disabled old), they are really suffering right now. Sure enough, the hospital gave pharma and then kicked back to the street. Like them, I don't want to live (here) anymore either. The cops really have become pigs, kicking granny in the ditch. Move along, move along. The mask is off California and it ain't pretty. Open thy eyes, world.

I was going to say "it's all in your head", but someone else beat me to it. haha, not funny

peace