Maybe it's just that time of year. It's nearing the anniversary of my little brother's suicide (June 26, 1979), so the general thought is on my mind. Or is it real? Are we experiencing a rash of suicides? The latest, just reported today, is Anthony Bourdain, host and star of CNN's Parts Unknown.

Before that, it was fashion designer Kate Spade. She was married to Andy Spade, the brother of actor/comedian David Spade. The Spades, like me, were born in Michigan. Also like me, they ended up in Arizona. Casa Grande, to be precise, which is about 20 miles up I-10 from where I live.

But back to my brother, since that's the suicide I have direct knowledge of. I'll call him Ricky for privacy reasons.

Ricky was 20 years old when he chose to lay down on railroad tracks in front of an oncoming freight train. My parents, for one reason or another, refused to deal with it, so talking to the police and arranging for a memorial fell on me and my sister.

How did Ricky end up on the tracks? As sometimes happens, drug addiction caught up with him, leading to jail, unemployability, homelessness, and despair. He started sniffing glue when he was 10 years old and kept up the habit right through the end. I went to the little patch of woods behind a factory where he lived the last few weeks of his life and found used paper bags, empty tubes of glue, and other sad detritus left behind at the end of his sad sojourn on Planet Earth.

Of course I blame myself. I didn't take him in when the county jail offered early release if I'd let him live with me. I could have been a better big brother, the way my older brothers were for me. Excuses, I had a million. I didn't trust him enough to leave him alone at my house while I was at work. I wasn't a better brother because I was 4 years older than him and we had little in common.

Besides, after my crappy parents destroyed what little good there was in our crappy home, none of us were unscathed. My oldest brother joined a biker gang and was shot to death in a fight, also when he was 20. My other brother is an alcoholic and spent much of his teens and 20s in and out of prison.

But I was the white sheep of the family. Army vet. Homeowner at 21. College graduate. Relatively successful computer nerd. And I was also the brother who washed his hands of Ricky after one too many disappointments, one too many failed promises, one too many told you so's.

Nobody knows exactly what's going through the mind of a person that commits suicide except that person. Looking at Bourdain and Spade, who had everything most of us only fantasize about having, and then comparing them to my brother, who had little and lost even that, leaves me puzzled and sad and confused.

Is there a rash of suicides? Well, according to CDC, suicide rates are up 30% since 1999. Why? The only people who know for sure aren't around to tell us why.

Ricky and Kate and Anthony, I hope you found the peace you were looking for. These tears are for you.