So about "#NeverHillary".

Of course I should avoid those kind of hyperbolic #hashtag proclamations for the exact reason for this post. Words like "Never" and "Always" are generally a bad idea, as there is always a non-zero (or non-100) percent probability to... well, anything. Sure, sometimes the difference is very, VERY small... but in a world where anything really can happen, it's important to remember.

I've spent the last few weeks struggling with the whole Bernie v. Hillary conundrum, which only grew worse when the DNC e-mail dump came out last week showing that the conspiracy theories about the DNC favoring HRC (well, to be honest it wasn't much of a theory considering how baldly obvious it was) weren't.

While the links between Russia and Trump/Drumpf are are should be... MUST be... of concern to this country in terms of the external corruption of the political process, We really need to see more of a mea culpa on the part of that establishment. Having Debbie "Downer" Wassermann-Schultz fall on her sword is all well and good, but this was a systemic issue.

"But," comes the argument, "Hillary wanted to dump the DNC chair last year!" Except that sounds pretty weak coming now, after the exposure. If Hillary had been a bit clearer about her dissatisfaction vis a vis the head of the DNC, then we'd be a lot kinder about it now. She wasn't, so yes, more needs to be done to heal that mistrust, among so many other incidents that make us mistrust her.

Ultimately all of that is (or should be) over-ruled by the exhortation on the part of Bernie himself that we all be behind Hillary. If the man is half the leader that he was to me, the progressive movement, and this country, I should listen to him.

But my conscience is a damnable thing. It wants to argue that maybe this time the terrible nature of both candidates is what we need to kickstart a third party, which a staggering 71% of independents say they want (as per Gallup, 7/25/2016).

That's my struggle. Remember, as far as I'm concerned Hillary seemed to do everything in her power to alienate the progressive base of the party. She HAD my vote to begin with. Bernie Sanders was this "local" politician (during my last years in NY) that I knew about only because of the "socialist" leanings that were supposedly huge threat.

Part of me want to believe the expediency of politics will pull Hillary to the left. That the crowds, the enthusiasm, and the ENERGY of the next generations are both a source of donations that are practically begging for someone to give their money to will induce her to move away from the Wall Street psychos that seem hell bent on starving the government as much as, albeit much more slowly, than the GOP. That "socialism" isn't a dirty word, but a system that (no matter how the capitalist 1%'ers scream and kick about it) is not only viable, but NECESSARY in the face of mankind's current point of evolution.

Because the problem with ideals is that they scare people. Think about every goal, wether ending slavery, giving women the right to vote, or even just giving the vote to anyone old enough to die fighting our wars; Each and every one of those great leaps in freedom required changes to our constitution, and each was foreshadowed by those who would lose nothing, but whatever shallow perception of "control" they never really had in the first place.

While I am often frustrated at the glacial pace of change, I have to find that perspective that helps me realize that incrementalism is the reality of modern politics -- at least until people work, from the local level upwards, to move things forward more quickly. One way I do that is to remember... because I CAN remember... what things were like in 1969, the earliest point I can recall what people thought of certain things, like politics, sexism, bigotry. That I was *4* when Stonewall happened, and I personally know married couples that are same sex. That transgenderism, while still a painful slog, might be less of a hurdle going forward, but if we can get over gay marriage, what the hell is everyone's issue with the transgendered?

My biggest frustration is the "two steps back" that the last 35 has felt like to me. Like we came really far in the first half of the 20th century, and some serious movement in the 70's made it feel like we were finally waking up... and the radical regressives then spent the last 20 years of the 20th and the first 10 years of the 21st fighting those changes tooth and nail.

While they've not been as successful as feared, that pathological resistance succeeded in slowing progress on so many fronts. To some degree the Clintons were responsible for that. But at what point do I concede that slowing down things less is better than blowing things up?

In the past I've made comments about "hitting bottom". This was not out of some perverse desire to watch the country burn, but out of my direct and very personal experience at the hands of an abusive step-father. That's not an appeal for pity or sympathy, but an explanation why "hitting bottom", while a tragic and terrible process, is not one I fear as much as others.

But then there's the fact when my step-father finally hit bottom my greatest challenge was not killing him as he abused my mother. The greatest risk for the USA hitting bottom is the utter annihilation of all progress of the entire world due to Trump hitting the button, and the nuclear "open season" that would engender. Even if not as apocalyptic, the result could be a third-world USA, permanently punch drunk and brain fried, like some aging boxer who was once a contender for the title, but is now that sad hulk people try to slip the occasional coin toward in ways the still proud wreck could avoid seeing as charity.

If you've made it this far, THIS is what many who felt the Bern are struggling with. The details and circumstances may change, but we're not just being assholes to piss you off, whether you supported Hillary from the beginning or not. And, if people stopped playing "punch the hippy" and "that's a right wing smear!" bullshit, they would realize that the point of this process is to make the candidate stronger, NOT weaker.

Maybe HRC believes the shift to the left, maybe it's just politically expedient... and maybe there is no difference if we get a result that move things forward. Even Obama noted that the best way to get something was to MAKE Washington DC to pay attention. Our job as the masses of democracy is to make our voices heard. The point of a movement is to get everyone saying the same thing at the same time, this amplifying that voice.

For too long the progressive movement has let the right wing dominate that conversation. It's time to push forward.

Will I find the strength to vote for Hillary? True, it's likely a forgone conclusion in California. I'd likely have less of a struggle in Utah, where Hillary actually has a shot of taking the state. And maybe the DNC and HRC haven't done enough (yet) to heal the divisions of that e-mail dump.

But the implications that Russia may be conniving to manipulate the US political process, all with that fascist Trump's black cherry on top? Too scary to ignore.

So, I have to swallow hard, and admit that maybe it isn't quite time for the third party. A lot of the foundation is there, but the collective will hasn't quite hit the level where we can realistically push a third party over the top.

Now, at the local level it's a different story. Stop with the binary Red v Blue thinking, and realize you could go with Green, or a whole new progressive party. At the very least, run as a progressive, vote for a progressive, regardless of party.

Yeah, I want to fix it all now. I mentioned to the tribe recently that I had a better understanding for the evil genius who wants to rule the world out of frustration of the idiots who can't seem to get over the trivial and unimportant. The same idiots who get all huffy and defensive if you point out how shallow they're thinking, whether through willful ignorance or greed (or some combination of both).

But the reality is, giving in is not giving up... it's conceding people aren't ready.

Yet.

Though I wish I didn't feel quite like this: