Understanding Gender, May 3 2016
This will be a series on my part, although I can't guarantee timing, because I am schedule-challenged.
My rules for commenting are be respectful and kind, and understand that gender is a really sensitive topic for many people. Please try to listen and not attack each other. Men and women are all welcome to comment. Thank you.
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What is gender? Originally this was about language, but more recently people took to using "gender" to replace "sex" when referring to what sex a person is. That means, are you born with more or less functioning female or male reproductive organs, or are you a rare person whose chromosomes are atypical, meaning xxy generally. Or with androgen insensitivity.
But I digress. Gender was originally about putting language in boxes, and this came from putting men and women in boxes. Girls are sugar and spice, and everything nice. Boys are snakes and snails and puppy dog's tails.
I remember these rhymes from my childhood. They never stuck.
But I was a girl anyway. I bled when I was twelve, I never wanted any of this, the breasts. The teasing.
I thought I could ignore it. I thought I could just be platonic friends with the boys. I figured I could go on like this indefinitely, and I would be safe.
I was wrong. I was always perceived as a girl, no matter how smart I was, no matter how much I covered myself up in sweatshirts.
Sex was anathema to me. I saw it as being something that happened to other girls. Nothing to do with me.
I had no words for this. Agender, sexless, were not there. It was all about not about me. Maybe later. As it turned out, this wasn't an option.
Boys wanted to fuck me, but they didn't tell me. Until they trapped me. Then, I wanted to make them happy because I thought they were my friends.
I present like what people think a dyke lesbian is. Why did my friends do this?
Later gators.
Comments
Again, everyone is welcome to comment
Please just try to be respectful and stick to what you know yourself, about yourself, or research that rises to the bar of good science, or journalism that is not in turn biased.
My goal here is to adhere to JtC's in making this place: open forum, respect, and to be resiliant enough to handle difficult debates.
Stay on track. Stay in lane. Don't throw rocks.
What I know about myself
I'm a gay man who was sexually abused as a young child by an older step-sister shortly after my mom remarried. My abuser received SSDI for mental illness as reward. Male relatives joked with me that I got laid younger than any of them.
It's hard for me to identify with most people who are my gender, because I feel so ambivalent about sex. I feel trapped on the outside looking in sometimes.
I can say at least that I'm proud of who I am now, whatever issues I'm facing. Being gay and having been victimized doesn't make me less of a man, even if I'm lonely. Knowing it's all in my head helps on the good days.
prog - weirdo | dog - woof
That's so sad. I am so sorry that she did that to you
That you were hurt like that. It's a betrayal.
Thank you for sharing that. It's important to keep in mind that young boys are vulnerable too.
Hugs.
Stay on track. Stay in lane. Don't throw rocks.
Thanks for the support
Thanks for the space to talk about this stuff.
prog - weirdo | dog - woof
I so know what you mean about being ambivalent about sex
There is always this brake. I'm bisexual but I am no sexual at all because there is always the brake. The alternative to the brake is being out of control.
I have been infatuated with men and women both. I have had my heart broken by both.
Now I have the brake.
Stay on track. Stay in lane. Don't throw rocks.
I know the brake well. Hetero female here
did my wilding at the appropriate time, got serially monogamous because that was easier. My intro was, in my feelings, making it true, an assault by a neighbor boy. Just the feel-up part enraged me. That rage never left me. It is still there.
I maintained my out-of-wedlock virginity. Now I am a widow, with a long time before widowhood where I felt I was giving a service and got nothing in return.
Part of me thinks I might be missing out. But limited human physical contact for 5 years does that. Just a touch is cherished. And sexual contact post-menopause? Casually?
Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.
Going to sleep now
Will be back in ten hours or so. Ty for the feedback, x
Stay on track. Stay in lane. Don't throw rocks.
the question of gender and orientation
I certainly understand what my fellows have been writing in this Essay.
Sex and sexuality are supposed to be one of the greatest joys of living. Yet for most of my life, they've been little else to me besides a depressing, burdensome chore. For one thing, I'm conflict and competition averse. This alone makes obtaining a mate virtually impossible. And once I have a mate, it seems that all the relationship ever is to me, is work, work, work. The payoffs have never been worth it. And I know that this means I'm doing it wrong. There's supposed to be some sort of "Goldilocks balance" somewhere wherein the love, companionship, and support furnished by a relationship exceeds the effort cost in maintaining it; but I have never seen the same when I'm the one involved. And this is not to demean my partners, either; I certainly don't wish that situation on them, either!
And that's before we get to the question of just what orientation I really am. (Just what I need, another $!@&!! complication where I already have more than I need!)
I often wonder if there's something wrong with me.....
"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar
"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides
Repressive society
Here in the US there isn't rational discussion and rarely are there sane models of nudity or sex. We are some how ashamed of our bodies and our nature. We evolved to reproduce. Desire is tied to our biology. Sexual biology is very complicated. It isn't just XY vs XX chromosomes. Some women are XY, some men XX. Discovering who you are is much of the adventure in life.
Society establishes models in our communities, on our media, in our homes. Our culture has unhealthy approaches and damaged people often raise damaged children. As a retired teacher, it always amazed me to see sane healthy kids that somehow emerged from such difficult environments, but that was the exception not the rule.
So I'm rambling around here trying to say our gender, our nature, our sexuality is a mix of our genetics and our environment. The trick is to take the hand you were dealt and make the most of yourself. Be happy. Be at peace. Be yourself.
“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”
Gender/sexuality can be pretty fluid, the right person is all
that matters to me. I like how I was born, some do some don't, it's just a part of who I am.
If more people could accept the who rather than the what, there would be a whole lot less shit thrown about