I didn't think it was possible to make Hillary Clinton look like some hippie pacifist, but the current crop of Republican candidates have proven me wrong. If they started beating their chests and howling like a deranged chimpanzees on stage it wouldn't surprise me at this point.

And it isn't just the men. Consider the batsh*t crazy stuff that Carly Fiorina said the other day.
No, I'm not talking about her bizarre claims about Planned Parenthood harvesting live brains. I'm not exactly sure why she thinks someone would require live brains, except to distract rampaging hoards of zombies (in which case I give Carly credit for forward thinking).

No, I'm talking about the really crazy stuff she uttered about foreign policy.

“Having met Vladimir Putin, I wouldn’t talk to him at all. We’ve talked way too much to him. What I would do, immediately, is begin rebuilding the Sixth Fleet, I would begin rebuilding the missile defense program in Poland. I would conduct regular, aggressive military exercises in the Baltic States. I’d probably send a few thousand more troops into Germany. Vladimir Putin would get the message.”

Yes, Carly would make sure that Putin would get the message that any possible cooperation with the United States would be a non-starter, even in places and situations where there might be common interests.

Gee, why would we want to talk to the other major nuclear power in this world? What possible reason could we have for that, other than avoiding armageddon?
One wonders what Fiorina would say about hippie traitors like Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan that dared to negotiate with the evil Soviet Union, rather than just waving our collective penises at them?
But she didn't stop there.

I would like to link these two issues, both of which are incredibly important, Iran and Planned Parenthood.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't tell me. How are Iran and Planned Parenthood linked?
Uh, it's a tricky one. I knew I should have read the clinic pamphlet closer.
Does it have something to do with Sharia Law? I bet it's Sharia Law!

One has something to do with the defense of the security of this nation. The other has something to do with the defense of the character of this nation.

Oh. Of course. The "obvious" answer.
Assuming that Carly didn't just commit a war crime for the extreme torturing of metaphors, what exactly does she have in mind?
Maybe she's saying that we must start airstrikes against Planned Parenthood clinics.

The really scary thing, and I'm talking Nightmare on Elm Street scary, is that Carly actually came across as the "smart one" in this debates.
The Republican men, well, they had testosterone to deal with.

Donald Trump lied in the first debate when he said, “I’m the most militaristic person there is.”
It wasn't a lie because of what The Donald has or has not said, but because of what the rabid, drooling, maniacal warmongers he's running against have said.

When it comes to the GOP race, the Donald can’t begin to match his competitors in warmongering bluster. “Most militaristic?” In this field? These guys have blood coming out of their eyeballs, blood even coming out of their… wherevers.

Earlier this week, Noam Chomsky was asked what he thought about the antics of Donald Trump. His response was utter brilliance.

Well, actually, I think we should recognize that the other candidates are not that different...
So just to keep to Iran, a couple of weeks ago, the two front-runners—they’re not the front-runners any longer—were Jeb Bush and Scott Walker. And they differed on Iran. Walker said we have to bomb Iran; when he gets elected, they’re going to bomb Iran immediately, the day he’s elected. Bush was a little—you know, he’s more serious: He said he’s going to wait 'til the first Cabinet meeting, and then they'll bomb Iran. I mean, this is just off the spectrum of not only international opinion, but even relative sanity.

Noam should know by now that sanity is an overrated commodity in right-wing politics these days.
Foreign policy debate in Republican Party circles these days has roughly the same subtly and complexity of a group of 7th grade bullies that have been drinking too much Yoo-hoo.
Senator Lindsey Graham may have the lilt of a southern dandy in his voice, but his words would make General Patton blush.

Here is the first thing I would do if I were President of the United States: I wouldn't let Congress leave town until we fix this. I would literally use the military to keep them in if I had to. We're not leaving town until we restore these defense cuts.

Yeh, using the military against Congress is just a bit over the top.
And let's not forget how Graham promised to assassinate anyone by drone who ever considered joining ISIS. Has Trump dared to start extra-judicial killing of Americans? I don't think so.
Then there is everyone's favorite pastime, invading Iraq.

Sen. Lindsey Graham, the saddest-looking man in politics, said repeatedly, even when the question wasn’t asked, that he would send American ground troops back to Iraq and Syria, and anyone who wouldn’t isn’t “ready to be commander-in-chief.”

Let's not forget Scott Walker. He's also won't rule out a "full-blown" invasion of Iraq, and as for Iran, well, Walker is prepared to show leadership.

"I believe that a president shouldn’t wait to act until they put a cabinet together or an extended period of time,” Walker said. “I believe they should be prepared to act on the very first day they take office. It’s very possible – God forbid, but it’s very possible – that the next president could be called to take aggressive actions, including military action, on the first day in office."

Just about everyone running for president as a Republican thinks bombing Iran is a good idea, including Jeb Bush.

Bush has now rolled out, and adhered to, a tangle of views that could be mistaken for his brother’s—void the Iran agreement and possibly attack Iran, rescind President Barack Obama’s 2009 executive order banning torture, and possibly send thousands of U.S. troops back into Iraq—and none of them is even remotely controversial among his co-partisans.

Jeb figures that we just aren't torturing enough folks. Not like in the good 'ol days.
And then there is Jeb's quote, “taking out Saddam Hussein turned out to be a pretty good deal.” Which shouldn't surprise you when you consider that Paul Wolfowitz has Jeb’s ear.
Face it Trump, you just aren't in the same class of warmonger that Jeb Bush is.

Who can forget Florida senator Marco Rubio. Marco made a name for himself a few months ago when he decided to channel Liam Neeson.

"When people ask what our strategy should be on global jihadists and terrorists, I refer them to the movie, 'Taken,'" Rubio said. "Have you seen the movie 'Taken'? Liam Neeson, he has a line -- this is what our strategy should be: We will look for you, we will find you, and we will kill you."

Marco should tell Obama that, because its totally not what we've been doing for 14 years.
What does he think was Obama's mistake in Libya? He didn't bomb sooner.

Mike Huckabee has them all beat!
Huckabee actually had to come out and officially deny being a warmonger.
When you feel it is necessary to officially deny being a warmonger, it's probably because you are one.
To me, that puts Mike in the lead for Chief Warmonger.
Mike also created a new daisy ad to stop the Iran deal.

Let's not leave out Bobby Jindal. He thinks that gun control means “hitting your target.” Bobby has strong opinions about how to win against ISIS.

Gov. Bobby Jindal said we were losing the war on terror because President Obama refuses to call our enemy “radical Islamic terrorism.” (Presumably ISIS will be vanquished, like Beetlejuice, when President Jindal utters these words three times.)

The truly scary thing is that these guys are the sane and informed ones, on a Republican relative scale.
For instance, consider Rick Perry.

Rick Perry, who probably came to the debate fully prepped to recite the three cabinet departments he’d abolish, said that thousands of Americans have died in Lebanon and Iran—among several other incoherent statements. He also said that he’d send Fiorina to renegotiate an Iran deal—thus sending a signal that she would probably make a better president than he would.
George Pataki, who somehow believes that having been elected governor in “the blue state of New York” makes him a favorite to defeat Hillary Clinton, said that he would go after homegrown Islamic terrorists by “shutting down their Internet capability.”

Maybe we should combine these two strategies and shut down Iran's internet, thus saving thousands of American lives in Lebanon.

Meanwhile Ted Cruz has his own plan for defeating ISIS, and it starts with killing Americans.

Sen. Ted Cruz ridiculed Gen. Martin Dempsey, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, for recently testifying that there is no military solution to defeating ISIS, and that the socio-political conditions on the ground need to change. “That is nonsense,” Cruz said of what specialists in the region regard as a basic truism. His solution for crushing ISIS: Kill Americans who join any jihadi movement, and elect a president unafraid to utter the words “radical Islamic terrorists.”

No need for that talky-talk thingy. Just kill 'em some bad guys.

Rand Paul injected some rare sanity into the debate by saying that, “We do need to be engaged with Russia. It doesn’t mean we give them a free pass, or China a free pass, but, to be engaged, to continue to talk. We did throughout the Cold War, and it would be a big mistake not to do it here.”
Saying common sense things like that is probably when Rand Paul is only polling at 3%.