A digital Yahrtzeit

At 4:19 AM six years ago I got the call, my husband had died. Six years ago now. Past, not forgotten, two offspring who are doing well. I got to grow up in some ways I had been buffered from. Bittersweet. A bad week, our wedding anniversary is Bastille Day. My choice. This week is always painful to me, for six years. Our truncated family spent this day last year with one offspring and her spouse, whose father suicided when he was young but cognizant. Bittersweet. Two widows at their wedding.

It's raining, not enough for the plants, but timely. We always did Yahrtzeit for our deceased until he died. Not sure I have lit any candle since. And I am surviving.

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Alison Wunderland's picture

Words always fall short when trying to express consolation. I'm a bit tongue-tied. My Dad's been gone for over ten years but wonderful moments together still resurface in my memory. The past can't be undone but the present can be appreciated. You have loving family and good friends. (((rl)))

Let me leave you with a "funny."

My grandmother was known and addressed as: Madame la Baronne André L'anneverre-Lafitte. For a while Granmammy lived with us. One day just before Bastille Day my mom wondered aloud what we should do for Bastille Day, and Granmammy said, "We don't celebrate Bastille Day in this house!" We all laughed, of course.

I haven't abandoned c99. I read and stay au courrant, but I've discovered a haven and devote most of my keyboard to learning how to be "Alison" and trying to help others avoid some of the pain I've endured. And I can honestly say life is better.

hugs,
Alison

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martianexpatriate's picture

anniversary doesn't get too depressing. My time sense has been so disrupted that I actually never remember most of my anniversaries, including my own birthday. With nobody to remind me of them, I never remember any of those things.

Back when I was strongly considering taking my own life, it was an urge that kept coming to me. I would decide not to do it, and I'd be there for a few days. Then life would whittle away at me until I was considering it again. Finally I reached this point of maximum clarity, where I knew my circumstances weren't getting any better.

I had one family member left, and he died. Apparently the circumstances were pretty similar to your husband. I realized at that point, that if I used my gun, there was absolutely nobody who would be profoundly affected by that decision whatsoever. More than likely, the only thing that would cause anyone to investigate was the smell. That was kind of liberating, it meant that I didn't have to worry about hurting anyone when I chose to end things.

Then I thought about what I'd been working on for years, and I realized it was my only shot at leaving something behind me when I couldn't stay alive any more. If I could do that one thing before I died, then at least my life meant something.

That was the point that I reached my decision. I was able to stay alive in a way that made me stop thinking about suicide. Part of it was accepting that my life was never going to get any better in any real way, and I would never have a real place in society. Once you accept that, the way people treats you stops hurting you. It also makes it difficult to communicate but that's part of the deal I had to make with myself to keep going.

I'd been less and less effective as I became more suicidal. But then I made that deal, and I've been able to spend more and more of the day working effectively since then. Willpower is an asset that we have, and making decisions spends some of it. If you spend lots of time thinking about the same decision over and over again, then its all used up.

Being decisive is an important skill. I needed it to finish.

When you

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Raggedy Ann's picture

condolences for your traumatic loss. These are the tough days. It will get easier with time. The memory will always be there. It will always remain bittersweet. The pain of the trauma of it will ease. You know I'm with you, supporting you, while you walk this path. A few more flowers are blooming on that path, these six years later. Give them a greeting. They are there to help ease your pain.

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The UFO’s are coming to unify us.

riverlover's picture

A gift from the sky, it is still raining, gently. Very needed here. Feels appropriate for the day.

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Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.

hester's picture

Glad for your rain... for so many reasons. Seems timely and apt.

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Don't believe everything you think.