"Look, we signed a contract. This is going to be our company phone for the next four years, and you’re going to have to get used to it. I’d consider it a great service to your company if you just accept that, and stop sending me emails about how you’re worried, or how we should put in the effort to make the phone better and less harmful for the people who are clearly most at risk using it. After all, the mail room staff put up with the last iPhone plan, and all they did was refuse to deliver the mail for four years."

"If women wrote men the way men write women". Sorry, guys.

After all, FoxxCon has nets to catch the workers who find preferable throwing themselves off the factory roof than one more day producing iPhones.

Does the Note 7 have nets??

Thank you so much for posting this, Hawkfish! I desperately needed a giggle (had just been reading an essay devoted to the assembling of Trump's imitation of what must have been Hitler's cabinet, and even the much-appreciated avoidance of the Clintons and their doubtless similar picks - which would not have been fought or publicized - couldn't bring much cheer,) and had I any sanity remaining, you would have saved it by this.

A thousand blessings upon you, all of your ancestors, your spouse, children, grandchildren and so forth for a thousand years. I'd suggest spending that thousand years in a different dimension, though.

Edited because for some reason - perhaps my obsession with lowering population levels affecting me subconsciously? or, more likely, just my natural and unthinking defense of my long-held Typo Queen title - I'd limited the blessings to only one grandchild, which really wouldn't have been fair to any others...