50 ways to leave your lover
... or how to manage a bad blog break-up.
are there parallels between a real-life break up and ending a relationship with a blog? apparently so.
the reasons for the break-up aside, the aftermath of a bad end can express itself in anger, disappointment, some obsessive behaviors, and a desire to destroy the reasons for the relationship in the first place.
well, at least in my experience.
my bad blog break up wasn't with Daily Kos, but another place. And one, quite frankly, I still miss and one head and shoulders above what Daily Kos ever was (imo). anyway, a group of us left angry and started another place where we could meet and chat. it wasn't a blog to attract outsiders; it was just for us. but rather than move on, we couldn't help ourselves. we became lurkers at the old place, looking to continually regurgitate (re litigate?) what we thought to be damning to them and justifying our hurt, anger, and confusion: how did it ever go so far?
all to say, it didn't help the blog we left and tainted the one we started. eventually, we did move on... as most of us usually do after a bad split. at some point, i even started my own blog but really could not find the same energy or inspiration as I felt in the old place, the only true blog home i had. i know, sounds dramatic. but it was true.
i've learned from bad break ups. i put energy into what I want to accomplish and try avoiding using too much on people enthralled by our current and corrupted system. people like kos and many at dKos feel more at home with someone like Clinton or Obama... both of whom sound sane and composed. yet they are "the system" and need to be in control; a system that must kill every perceived threat around it (from pests in corn fields to humans living in places with oil fields); a system compelled by the tenet that everything around it can be controlled ... and the humans in those systems never grasp how impossible and, more importantly, how unnecessary it is.
well, i say fuck it. maybe this will become the next "it" blog. who knows. and if it does, let's hope we can manage ourselves rather than trying to control everything and everybody else around us as more disparate voices show up here. and they will; some to disrupt, some to convert us back into the fold, others with just really new and fresh voice.
anyway, back to the beginning, how to manage a bad break up? i guess you have to go through all the stages of grief. usually no short cuts there. but this perspective (i don't know who said it) may help:
"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
stay true. keep on the issues. be kind. love life and let that guide in the fight for justice for all creatures of this earth.
Comments
Managing the breakup
has been relatively easy for me (so far), but everyone here is managing it differently. For me, its a lot like when I quit smoking. I picked a date to quit (in this case, it got picked for me, but it was about 2 weeks out, so it still worked) and then was really mindful of how often I smoked, when I craved a cigarette, etc., until the morning I woke up and didn't have one anymore.
I suspect the first couple of days will be a struggle, but after that, not too bad. The cravings will hit stronger when I'm in News Junkie mode where I want to hit every single site and reddit thread for any tiny new tidbit of information on the current subject that obsesses me, but after tapering off for almost a week now, I'm prepared for one particular site to not be part of my news feed anymore.
And whenever I feel I twinge, I go read HellRaisers or the EB or any of the other great writers here (including you) to reaffirm that I'm not missing anything from that other place, the great info, the great voices...they're right here. And no matter what I say, I won't get "flagged". Magically, those little cravings disappear...
omg, an ex smoker as well and
yes, it is a good analogy. for me, the trick was realizing there was no way around suffering once I quit. so, after about 5 years of trying every gimmick (including pretend puffing on cinnamon sticks) to "help" me quit, that realization got me there, cold turkey. and i did it by saying: i'm going to my mom's b-day and if i want to smoke after that, fine. but every milestone i said, just go a little further. you can alway pick up a cigarette.
i do think it's a good idea to check in with dKos. and it makes me wonder: are there Hillary supporters who'd like to come here? open site, no political parties, but i wonder how they'd feel.
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
Do you really think this site wouldn't have the same
problems if Hillary supporters came here? I mean, I for one would be calling her and anyone that supports her warmonger idiots. So one of us would have to go. And right now, this site is strongly democratic party it appears to me, although somehow people seem to want to think Sanders isn't part of the party even though he's running as a Dem.
let me put it this way
i'd hope not. i hope we treat people and their ideas better than we were treated. i'm not saying we should waste precious time converting anybody. but just like kos is in a vacuum, without other perspectives we'd end up no better. the trick is moderating it. so far, that has eluded me: one of the reasons i left my own blog. it wasn't the trolls, funny enough. but the people like us going after them. wasting time on what was obviously a ploy to have them do just that. anyway.
and i hope to god this doesn't become a "democratic" site. i no longer belong to the Dems and I have no desire to "save" the party. People in groups like that, as in global markets, are dangerous because they don't advocate for anything, if that makes sense. and i'm not inclined to ever join a political party again. after all, it is about the issues and figuring out most effective short- and near-term strategies to mitigate the mess in which we find ourselves.
i was a fan of the OCCUPY strategy. i'd rather work with anti fracking groups, and anti TPP groups, and pro choice groups, and advocates of the LGBT community, and #BLM... each with expertise and experience coming together. i think it makes sense.
does that answer your question? i tend to ramble, so let me know. oh and i'm big on segues.
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
Yes, thank you.
I guess I've gone thru this already here so I better leave it alone. After the election we'll see what happens.
thx for giving some love to HJ, jiordan, really appreciate it.
For me, I'm surprised at how easy it was for me to leave that other place once I log out and took it off the top of my browser.
Out of sight out of mind.
That said, I'm not one to tell others not to write about DK. Processing is important.
Talking about what we don't like about that place is important. It helps us clarify what we do want to build here.
Never be deceived that the rich will allow you to vote away their wealth.-Lucy Parsons
as in all relationships
it is key to know what you want. agreed. and good to see you JayRaye.
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
It's not exactly the same thing
There is a certain sense of loss when one leaves a blog, especially when one wrote for it. It's happened to me several times. The separations which irked me were the involuntary ones, such as Kos is about to invoke at his site, or like Twitter because I have no cell phone or Facebook account to betray to them for continued access.
The Internet is a vast place where new sites spring up all the time, and with little time lost between the old and the new. Caucus99percent is the proof of my comment. It's already thriving with KosKastouts, and will carry on the fight to restore real democracy and the opposition of corporatism.
Vowing To Oppose Everything Trump Attempts.
His loss is right.
Gotta think the numbers are down, too. The impact on his eventual sale must be miserable.
yes, c99 does seem to be thriving
and benefitting from lessons learned, i suspect.
not sure i knew you at dKos, but nice to be here with you now.
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
I agree w your post but object to 'Kastouts' --
-- it's way too negative a meme to generate. Also inaccurate because many will still be active there.
I agree w your post but object to 'Kastouts' --
-- it's way too negative a meme to generate. Also inaccurate because many will still be active there.
the relief is wonderful :)
leaving a place where i constantly had to second-guess whether or not the great kos & his hall monitor minions would disapprove is the best thing i ever did, & i don't miss it one bit.
now, on to getting bernie nominated & elected...
#feelthebern
it is amazing to see this movement continually growing, from its OCCUPY roots, to #BLM, all the great environmental activists . . . Bernie is the kind of guy who'd make a great conductor for this diverse group.
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
Itth twue, itth twue!
Oh, itth twue!
Years ago, I fell into a fun place with folks holding wide variety of views, from libertarian to liberal, from neocon to irrational. But everyone seemed to be on the same page, at least about hearing folks out and being polite. Then the owner suffered some illness, and whether the drugs, the cost of operation, or the self imposed stress took over, and he started threatening everyone. A big chunk, 100 or so, created a conservative place. I stopped in to say hi, but wow, they went from nice friends with differing views, to ultra conservative super Christians. Not a place for me.
Another group went to a couple of other places, and a handful found DK. Of them, one was banned, another died, and I lost track of two others.
When the place was working, it was nice. When it shifted? Not at all.
Perhaps that is why leaving DK is relatively easy. I've been thru an owner doing something ineffably stupid before. I am surprised I lasted as long as I did at DK. But I see no reason to go back. Gos is more like a ghost town, the few times I lurked. But removing it for my browser lists felt therapeutic and . . . Right.
yup. when it works, it is great. when not
it's much easier to "pack up" and leave. having said that, i still need to copy my essay from dKos, just for shits and giggles.
i see we have lots of dog people here . . . your sweet pup is adorable. name?
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
I have posted at 3 blogs as Phoebe Loosinhouse
and I understand completely what you are saying. I invested a lot of time and energy and years at the first blog which was great as long as we were untied against a common enemy (Bush) but when primaries came along things got very nasty but then after Obama it was all good and then there was a schism when half the blog turned against Obama for being a stealth DINO and then there was a civil war. I evacuated to another site which housed the evacuees and had a lot of promise, but after a while I just didn't think it was the right fit for me so I drifted away quietly. Then I found Kos which I really loved for a long time - absolutely fantastic writing, comments and information. BUT, the fatal flaw with DK is in making itself a party organ because the party itself is a fading brand. Who wants to belong to an Edsel fan club?
But I agree with you. A site only reaches it potential when it is itself and not constantly referential of another site. Daily Kos doesn't talk about other blogs and neither do any of the really established blogs out there. The only thing that happens is cross-posting for mostly beneficial reasons - trying to pass around a really good post by someone elsewhere.
I actually lurked here for awhile because I had a pretty good idea I would land here and these guys manned a great blog for a long time and it wasn't particularly referential of Kos that I noticed. It was its own thing. The single hesitation I had was that I wasn't sure it had enough of a membership to maintain the kind of energy and response and interaction that I craved. It certainly does now. The membership went from 200ish (I think) to around 800 in a very short span of time. I guess most of that was Kossacks jumping ship after the Great Edict of Conformity and Censorship.
I think the evacuees require a little bereavement time, but then for our own health, as you mention, we need to press on and not look back and petrify ourselves in the Lots Wife salt of Daily Kos. I'll make make a personal effort to those ends.
" “Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough.” FDR "
you have to go through the bereavement
it's no small thing to leave yourself in words somewhere. it's funny how typed letters on a screen can take on characteristics, unique as the writers. the tone, the pace, the structure.
i've made many friends in virtual space. some i've met in real life (lotlizard and I meet occasionally in Leiden or Haarlem to have lunch) and a few we've buried (like RiaD, masslass, Edger, exme, among others). reality isn't simply what's tangible. these relationships are real and heartfelt. i've even seen some virtual romances.
and don't get me wrong, i love a little bit of dirt now and then. sorry but it's true.
but for the most part, we have lots of work to do to save ourselves, the bees, trees ... and one never knows what combination, what kind of music will change the game for the better.
glad to have found my way here along side you and so many others!
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
I think I have finally learned one thing
I will never again attempt to find an internet home again that is solely based on a political party or person, because life dictates that the person or the party will change or you will change and at some point the cogs won't mesh anymore. Plus, life is too broad and diverse and enjoyable to limit yourself like that.
To another point - you would have to be a saint or a robot to not enjoy just a tiny teensy bit of dirt now and again.
" “Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough.” FDR "
me too, PLiH
me too. ideas, issues and networking strategies and helping where we can: we don't need to be in a community physically if there is a good candidate for school board or town council . . . or to raise money for a group fighting fracking, or to help people in Flint or Detroit. we can always contribute in various ways via the virtual highway.
but it's hard to do it when you're locked into ideology.
ps... don't forget me when you get some juicy little tidbit, now and again!
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
Hi peef...
I'm pretty sure I know what two sites you are referencing, I definitely know the latter, your site, we had some great times there, no. As far as the former site, take a good look at this site's layout, I loosely based c99p on it when it was built, if I've guessed correctly.
If I am correct in my assumption of the first site you mention, the founder of that site joined here a couple of days ago, hasn't posted yet but has cruised through a couple of times.
Many members of both sites are here.
if he posts here
it would be great for the blogosphere and this site. i'd love to see him again and hope he's well. also I see NPK is once again active. first saw her at dKos and then here. Maybe she gave him a little nudge? i hope so.
well, knowing you as i do, for me this becomes more and more home. it feels good. thanks for the space gotter!
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
You are more than welcome...
hopefully you'll enjoy this place as much as I enjoyed yours!
BTW: I emailed Night Owl a couple of months ago asking him to take a look at us, didn't get an answer though.
he'd be an asset
i don't know what happened to him though. maybe he'll show up?
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
I really miss his...
Overnight Caption Contest, we had such great photoshop fun. He popped into Diane's The Wild Wild Left for a couple of posts, but haven't heard from him since.
Knucklehead is here too, for over a year now if I remember right.
you gave me goosebumps!
so glad knuck is here.
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
Thank you so much, JtC.
This is the best gift I've been given in a very long time
'Well, I've wrestled with reality for thirty five years, Doctor, and I’m happy to state I finally won out over it." Elwood P. Dowd "
So far I am actually really happy
with how quickly folks are moving on to issues. We've all had our vents, and the felt great, so ON to dealing with what needs to be done!
Occasionally somebody will link back, and we'll all have our "OMFG" moments, but that's part of being a linkable internet, eh?
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
well that's the
part of me that can't keep my eyes off a train wreck. there must be some use for it, otherwise why engage in it? i like to go poke the great orange oz.
good to see you here. have seen your screen name for many years now.
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
To each their own :)
I go back to rec Sanders diaries, I find I am much more benevolent about the place if I do not read comment threads.
that's probably a very sane approach
but you did make me laugh . . . because those threads can be blood pressure busters, for sure.
love it:
agreed.
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
oh, man, you're taking me back....
I was such a lurker then! I so very rarely commented, but I joined and read and felt a part, at home with like-minded lefties. There were good times, and great conversations, peef, at both places.
I shave my legs with Occam's Razor~
yeah. there were lots of great moments at both.
but here's to today and finally jumping into this site. i've been gun shy for some time now, but hey. Bernie has brought me out of it.
and seeing so many old friends.
“There are moments which are not calculable, and cannot be assessed in words; they live on in the solution of memory… ”
― Lawrence Durrell, "Justine"
Yes, the only way is forward.
I had contented myself with the privacy/NSA battle for a while, and then Bernie threw his hat into the ring. Now it seems like we either get that nomination or work to expose and dismantle a hopelessly corrupt party...or both, I'm easy.
I shave my legs with Occam's Razor~