My Fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I come to you tonight. This election campaign has not ended the way we hoped. Although we ran a good campaign with the support of billions donated by hundreds, we could not overcome the deplorable racism, misogyny and yes, stupidity, of my opponent and his supporters. While it is easy to prove that Donald Trump's ally and man-crush, the evil Putin, manipulated the election, what is important now is that we as Americans come together, and unite behind this vile ogre of a man and his knuckle-dragging, hate-filled minions.
Many in the press may want to blame this historic rejection of the female gender on my personal failings, as exposed by Russian lackeys at WikiLeaks or the FBI, but i will not apologize for my natural inclination to kindness and trust (in poor IT security), my spirit of Christian charity, (as embodied in the Clinton Foundation), and my love for my family (as evidenced by their salaries at said Foundation). No, my disappointment is not with myself or my staff, who stuck to the high road even when others tried to drag me through the mud, it is with you. You who threw away your votes with write-ins or absurd, inherently anti-woman 3rd party candidates. It is with you who chose to stay home (I'm looking at you African-Americans!) rather than take off from your meaningless jobs to stand in line for hours. It is with you who packed stadiums to cheer an old socialist, then failed your obedience test at my coronation.
But the time for recriminations will come to an end soon, and at the point we will be left trying to pick up the pieces, like so many Libyans wondering why their life-giving water infrastructure and the factory to repair it had to be bombed. We are sad and shocked, like Russian-speaking Ukrainians learning that their new extra-legal nazi government was banning their language. But we must roll up our sleeves and get to work fighting to pass TPP before the inauguration, and somehow, to shoot down some Russian aircraft over Syria. It is no time to give up on our shared dream.
Unfortunately I will not be part of this fight. After careful consideration and prayer, I have decided to withdraw from politics, to spend more time with my family and our beloved attorneys. For the record, I have found my service to this country deeply rewarding, and the FBI has revealed no definitive proof that I have intentionally injured national security, nor has any corrupt quid pro quo been proven in a court of law. I leave you tonight by quoting another great American, and assuring you that "I am not a crook".