It's clear that the Corporations of America want us to solve our own Unemployment problem. Wherever we look, we are told to stop looking for a hand-out and instead just pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. We are told that all we need is a little motivation, and just like them, we can make our own money.

Therefore, in the spirit of doing exactly what they say we should do, I am forming a corporation for the purpose of doing exactly that.

A corporation based off the time honored methods of those without startup capital. A corporation that truly embraces old democratic values.

I'm Starting a Pirate Crew.

Of course for legal purposes, we will be incorporating. Because no single individual will be responsible for the commission of our crimes, the corporation as a whole can not be found guilty or even charged with any crime. As a result, we will aggressively engage in traditional methods of acquisition.

Our first order of business will be liberation of funds acquired by large corporations and secreted in off shore accounts. We plan to call this phase "Operation Buried Treasure". As to the methods involved, we plan to blow open the vaults with large old fashioned muzzle loading cannon. Of course this procedure is extremely time consuming, and as a result any casualties will be the fault of those who attempted to stop us from doing so. As is our right to "Stand our Ground" we of course will be held blameless for said self defense.

Upon liberation of the funds, we intend to use said funds, hereafter referred to as "Booty" for many of the expenses which will add value to our communities through direct influx of cash. We intend to spend large amounts of cash on "Entertaining" executives in our organization (Ale), and investing heavily in therapy sessions (Wenches) at exclusive resorts. (Pirate Island)

In addition, the care and maintenance of our pirate vessel will aid considerably in the local economy with regards to long term upkeep. In addition, we will also be investing in local schools, churches, and local charities as is our way. We after all, don't want people robbing US when it's cheaper and easier to just spread a bit of the booty around.

Although in the long term this business model may become untenable, in the short term it will improve the local economy and add some much needed entertainment to daily life. After all, I'd personally much rather have the person stealing from me a flamboyant swashbuckler in a jaunty hat than a stuffed shirt in a three piece suit.

(I love this Essay. One of my best Snarks, I think, and one that a lot of people enjoyed. Still think it's applicable, but the problem is NOW if you make this joke certain people who will remain nameless feel obsessed to start talking about Somali Pirates, and how pirates were NEVER the good guys... blah blah... )

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZsgNHquM]